


i want you to notice when i let go

by orphan_account



Category: Onedirection - Fandom, ziam - Fandom
Genre: Delusions, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Illness, Scars, Self-Harm (past), alcohol abuse (mentioned), it's teeny i swear, there's one teeny tiny mention of homophobic slang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2014-12-02
Packaged: 2018-02-27 19:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2704364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And yeah, maybe Liam's crazy and maybe Zayn's even crazier for staying with him, but in the end, love trumps all, doesn't it?"</p><p>or where Zayn leaves and all Liam's left with are his delusions, a fifth of whiskey and the idea that he can feel his soulmate's pain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i want you to notice when i let go

**Author's Note:**

> title from ghosts by mayday parade.

Liam felt as though the little girl on the subway was staring at him.

Actually, he was sure she was.

Her brown eyes were bright and focused directly on his face. A slow smile formed on her face and she giggled, making Liam feel super self-conscious.

"What the fuck are you staring at?" He asked, his voice booming in the nearly empty train car.

"A failure." She responded. "A fucking failure."

Or maybe that was Liam's delusions again.

Maybe all she did was turn and cry into her father's shoulder.

Liam couldn't tell the difference. Not like he cared to.

He waited until the train-driver announced his stop, before winking at the girl as he left.

She just cried harder in response.

Liam walked on, scouting his way through the busy city, bumping elbows with people as he passed, muttering curses under his breath.

God, he hated New York.

He had had enough when someone yanked on the back of his coat, and pushed him into the road.

"Fuck _off_!" Liam yelled, storming into the local café.

New Yorkers had no goddamn manners.

He sat down at his booth - no one in the café would sit there because they knew it was his, and that he would pitch a fit if they did - and pulled the book out of his coat pocket.

 _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_ , it was called. It was dog-eared and worn, and Liam loved it.

He flipped open to a random page, and began to read.

That is, until he was interrupted by Taylor, the waitress.

"Banana muffin and a hot chocolate." Liam sighed. "And bring me a cup of ice."

"Sure. I'll be back with it in a jiffy." She grinned and walked away.

Liam opened the book once again, and read as Harry tried desperately to get the _Hogwarts_ letter.

 

Liam was nearly done with his muffin when his wrist started to ache.

He wasn't sure what it was that caused it, but it happened a lot.

It felt a lot like his skin was shredding, being cut open, and when he looked, little lines would appear.

God, it hurt, and Liam had seen doctors about it because _what the hell_?

And they had no explanation for it.

Liam rubbed at the inside of his wrist, frowning.

"What's wrong?" Taylor asked, standing in front of his booth.

"My wrist hurts, that's all." He said.

"You know, my mom...She used to say that ghost pains - you know the random pains we sometimes feel for no reason at all? - are pain our soul-mate's feeling." She shrugged. "I'm not sure if I believe her or not."

"That's bullshit, you do know." Liam scoffed, and his thigh began to ache too.

There it was, the familiar cutting feeling on his inner thigh.

If it was his soul-mate (it wasn't), he sure liked to hurt himself a lot.

Liam kind of hoped it was Zayn, but he would never know.

He hadn't spoken to Zayn in a long time.

"Well, I guess we'll find out if your boy's a cutter." She frowned. "I always pity those people. Why cut such beautiful bodies?"

"They do it as a release, Taylor. Not to ruin their 'beautiful bodies'. It's for when they can't take it anymore and it just feels nice to be in control of something." Liam scoffed, shoving the rest of his muffin down his throat.

God, they had the best damned banana-nut muffins in all of New York City.

"Well, I still pity them." She rolled her eyes. "How's Harry doing, by the way?"

"Gay." Liam retorted, shuffling through his pockets for a few dollars.

"I know that." She rolled her eyes. "Is he healthy? Eating well?"

"He's fine, Tay. Leave him be. He's got his own problems to worry about. He doesn't need your incessant babying."

"Did he get a...sexually transmitted disease? From butt-sex?" She gasped, and Liam barked out a sarcastic laugh.

"No, he's coming out to his mother tonight." Liam put down a ten, leaving a tip for the ever-wise Taylor. "I'll be off, then. If you're finished stalking Harry's gay-sex life, that is."

"I wasn't stalking. I'm just...worried, is all." She tucked the ten into her apron, scooping up Liam's dishes. "Bye, Liam. See you tomorrow."

Liam didn't respond, just walked out and into the busy American streets.

God, he hated America.

 

He arrived at his flat at approximately three thirty, which left him thirty minutes to shower, before he was to pre-heat the oven for twenty minutes. Then his meal went in for forty, and bam! At five o'clock on the dot he was having dinner.

Same as always.

He did the the things he had to, eating the tv-dinner chicken, and pretending to have a life as he texted Harry.

He felt that cutting sensation again, except this time, it was on his hip.

He tugged down his jeans a little, and sighed at the lines on his skin. They were kind of beautiful in a twisted way.

His phone rang, and he answered it on the seventh ring, exactly.

" _Hello?_ " Harry called through the phone. " _I'm coming over_."

"Oh, okay then. I'm glad I have a choice in the matter." Liam rolled his eyes, eating as Harry spoke.

He couldn't mess up his schedule. He just couldn't.

" _You do have a choice. You could lock your door, but you won't, because you like me too much. Also, I'll be crashing on your couch until further notice._ "

"Ugh, why?" Liam groaned.

Harry had a habit of screwing with Liam's schedule. And that made Liam very angry and very upset.

" _My mum can't seem to accept my homosexuality._ "

"Oh, so she kicked you out?" Liam asked, finishing off his meal.

" _Yeah, she did. I'm, like, five minutes away now._ "

"Did you drive? Or walk?" Liam asked, because it was Harry.

And with Harry, one never knew what stupid thing he would do next.

" _I drove. It's kinda snowing like it's goin' out of bloody style._ " Harry laughed.

"I hate the snow." Liam grumbled.

" _You hate everything._ " Harry added.

"Not true. I don't hate the banana muffins at Taylor's café." Liam smirked. "She says hello, by the way."

" _Tell her I'm gay_." Harry groaned. " _And that if she was so concerned about me, she wouldn't have dedicated a song to me and posted it on_ YouTube."

"I told her again, but you know how she is." Liam rolled his eyes, sparing a glance at the clock.

He had five minutes until his program came on, so threw away his dinner, and put away the silverware.

He sat himself down in front of the couch, after hanging up on Harry.

"Fucking hell." He grumbled to himself.

Certain memories arose when Liam was around Harry. It never failed. And it was happening again.

Harry ruined everything.

 

Harry walked in nine minutes later.

He had a suitcase in his hand, and a quilt tugged over his shoulders.

"Liam, hey, man." He said, watching Liam who was watching television.

Harry knew better than to interrupt Liam's schedule, so he put his stuff down on the rocking chair, and went to take a piss.

When he came back out, Liam was laughing at the screen, but Harry just shook his head because _wow, Liam needs a fucking life_.

Harry shook his head and plopped down onto the couch next to Liam.

He was watching some stupid show about doctors and patients and stuff, and Harry thought that Liam will not be doing this again for a long long time.

Because Harry wouldn't let his friend stay inside and watch _Scrubs_ for the rest of his life.

 

After Liam's program had ended, he sighed.

"What happened exactly?" Liam asked, turning towards Harry.

"We were, like, eating our potatoes and I was like, _'Mom, I've got something to tell you._ ' and she was herself and was like, _'Okay, son. You can tell me anything!'_ and Gemma nodded and smiled at me and I felt like shit because I've hidden this from them for so long, you know?" Liam knew. "And so I was like, _'Mom, Gems, I'm gay.'_ and at first, like, they didn't quite get it so I reitterated and was like, _'I'm homosexual.'_ and they were still staring at me with that dumb-founded look on their faces, so I sighed and said _'I'm into fucking dick, guys.'_ and she kinda told me to pack all my stuff and leave." He shrugged. "And she also told me to put a dollar in the swear jar before I left."

Liam laughed because that definitely was Anne. Of all things! The swear jar!

"It's not funny!" Harry whined, but he was kind of laughing himself.

"No, you're right. It's not funny." Liam paused. "It's fucking hilarious!"

"Fine, fine. Laugh away, Liam." Harry rolled his eyes.

"I have never laughed this hard, oh my _god._ " Liam laughed, and it was true. The last time he'd laughed this hard was when Zayn was around...but that was a long long time ago and Zayn didn't want to be around Liam anymore.

Liam abruptly stopped laughing and frowned.

"I'm going to bed." Liam sighed, standing up.

"No!" Harry jumped forward to grab Liam's arm. "Let's get drunk!"

And maybe that wasn't the worst thing Liam could be doing. Although it would mess with his schedule...

"Fine. There's a fifth of whiskey under the couch and a nearly full bottle of rum in the freezer." Liam plopped down onto the couch, reaching under for the whiskey.

Liam and whiskey were like old friends.

He'd drank a lot when Zayn left.

A _lot_.

So he easily knocked back a long swig of the potent liquid, cringing at his burn, but loving it all the same.

No, he wasn't an alcoholic.

He was someone who was too weak to survive without the alcohol. Maybe that made him an alcoholic. He didn't care.

He just drank, and drank, and drank. Until he had to down an entire bottle just to numb the pain in his head. And then he smoked and smoked and smoked, until his lungs were numb too.

And now, there he was, drinking like he was back in college, like he'd lost Zayn all over again. Sip, sip, sip. empty.

It was the cycle of Liam's life.

Pain, torture, agony, suffering, numbness. Pain, torture, agony, suffering, numbness. Repeat.

Liam finished the bottle, not buzzed and certainly not numb. Harry, however, was way passed buzzed, wasted.

"Hey, Liam." Harry slurred drunkenly. "Remember that time we got so drunk that we puked all over Zayn's bed?" Wow, drunk Harry was a fucking asshole.

How had Liam never noticed?

"Stop talking about him." Liam snapped, but Harry just didn't listen.

"And remember those weeks after he left where you wouldn't even get out of bed? You just stayed and cried like a pussy in his bed! The one where you both slept together, until it was just you and the cologne he loved smeared all over the sheets." Liam wasn't sure if he was saying that or not.

That was his fatal flaw. His hamartia. He had a psychological disorder. He couldn't distinguish reality from his twisted mind. That's what drove Zayn away, at least that's how Liam saw it.

"Harry, shut up!" Liam cried, hands over his ears.

"Oh, look. Little Liam's crying again! Who left you now? You have no one!" Harry sneered, or maybe he didn't. Once again, Liam couldn't tell.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Liam yelled, rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

Liam would never speak to Harry again. Not after this.

"No wonder Zayn left. You're a disgrace!" Harry sneered. "A failure! You should just die!"

"I'm not strong enough." Liam sobbed.

"You aren't strong enough to live? Or to die?" Harry asked. "There's a big difference. Zayn thought he wasn't strong enough...where you know you aren't, you pathetic worthless faggot!"

Liam got up and ran out the door into the busy streets of New York.

He didn't wear shoes. He didn't wear a coat. He had on thin cotton pajama pants, socks, a thin black t-shirt.

And he ran.

He ran and ran and ran and ran, sobbing the entire way, letting the emotions from everything boil over. He was transfixed on Zayn, and yeah, that was a little psychotic, but Liam didn't care. He loved Zayn, and losing Harry was too much on top of the loss of Zayn.

Liam's toes were numb and his feet ached when he stopped. Snow made a crown of ice on his head, and he let out another sob, tears trailing down and freezing on his face. His teeth were chattering, gnashing together roughly in the bitter New York air, but all he thought of was _no_.

_No, why had he gone there? Anywhere but there!_

Liam had ran across the entire city of New York and ended up, of all places, at Zayn's old house.

Supposedly, no one lived there, but the lights were on and Liam collapsed into a pile of self-hatred, wekness, and agony.

Zayn was back, it seemed, and he had brought someone home.

 

Liam was collapsed on the walkway to the house, his skin cold and frost-bitten, his breath icy and chilled. He didn't feel anything, and all he could think of was _Zayn's moved on_.

 _He's over me_.

And that broke his heart even more, like someone had pulled it out of Liam's chest by hand and squeezed it until it burst.

"No," Liam sobbed, flopping into the snow-covered grass.

He would die out there, probably, and all he thought was _good_.

 _I hope I die_.

And then he closed his eyes, feeling nothing but self-satisfaction because yes, he'd done it. He'd killed himself. Finally.

 

Liam woke up to feel his toes unfreezing.

It hurt, the defrosting, and Liam couldn't understand why he wasn't dead. Maybe before death one had to suffer the way back to health? Liam hoped that was it.

He kept his eyes closed, and tried not to move whenever someone touched him.

"You poor thing." A woman muttered, tugging blankets over Liam. "You nearly died."

"Why didn't you let me?" Liam opened his eyes, staring at the woman.

She was pretty, like really pretty, with brown hair and brown eyes, and then Liam remembered her. But he kept his mouth shut.

"Why, I couldn't just let you freeze to death on my walkway!" She gasped.

"Oh...I'll be on my way then." Liam tried to sit up, but his muscles ached.

God, he missed the numbness.

"No, you won't! You'll be staying right here." She insisted, and there it was.

Like mother like son.

"No, no. I can't. I can't see him--I have to go! I can't--" Liam croaked, struggling up. "Please, Trisha. You've got to understand! I can't-I just can't!"

"Liam, lay the hell down, okay?" She insisted and Liam obeyed. "Zayn's not here. He went out. He won't be back for a while."

"Okay." Liam sighed, chin wobbling.

God, he was such a pussy! Harry was right. The little girl on the subway was right!

Liam was a failure. A fucking failure.

"He loves you, you know." She sighed, picking up a mug and drinking from it. "He was torn up over the incident for weeks...then, he got better. You need to get better."

"I can't." Liam shook his head, tears in his eyes. "I can't!"

"If Zayn can, so can you." She patted his leg. "Here, drink up."

She helped him sit up, hands on his shoulders.

"Liam, love. You have to get over him." She grabbed a mug and handed it to him. "He's...Well, he's happy, now." She patted his back, but Liam wasn't listening to her.

All he could focus on was the fact that his house still smelled the same. Like _his_ cologne and hot chocolate.

"Liam? Honey, are you okay?" She asked, sipping from her own cup.

Liam steeled his shoulders, over the whole crying and weakness thing, and sighed.

"No, but I never am." He scoffed, and then somewhere in the house, a door creaked open.

"Zayn! No! Please! Don't come in here!" Trisha yelled, fierce panic in her voice. " _No_!"

She ran around the couch to Zayn. Liam watched over the edge of the couch, shielded.

"Don't, Zayn. Stop." She pressed her hands to his chest, forbidding.

"What's going on? Who were you talking to?"

 _Oh, Jesus fucking Christ._ Zayn was there, and Liam could hear his voice, and _damn it was this another hallucination?_

Couldn't be. Liam never hallucinated about Zayn. His mind couldn't conjure it up.

Couldn't bring himself to that kind of torture, he supposed.

"Mom! Let me go!" Liam felt tears fall down his face, and a sob broke free from his throat.

He curled on his side, sobbing because Zayn was there and he was okay. He was better without Liam, while Liam was worse without him.

"Who's there?" Zayn called, and Liam cried harder.

Liam listened to them bicker for a few moments, before footsteps walked over towards Liam. He braced himself for the impact. For Zayn to say something, but it was just Trisha.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. "I'm so sorry."

And then she walked away, and Zayn's heavy footsteps came towards him.

"Liam," Zayn gasped, and Liam closed his eyes because it wasn't real if Liam couldn't see Zayn.

If Liam saw Zayn, he'd never be able to move on.

Never.

He'd be trapped in a cycle of _ZaynZaynZayn_ for eternity. Even after Zayn's long gone and married.

"Liam." He said again. "Talk to me."

"No, you can't be real. No, you can't!" Liam sobbed into the pillow. "You _aren't_!"

"I'm here. I'm real." Liam felt Zayn's hand between his shoulder blades. "Look at me. Please."

Liam didn't move, but he sobbed out his words.

"What if you aren't real?! Then what? Then I'm alone again, and my delusions have hit an all time high!"

"I'm real!" Zayn snapped. "I'll prove it to you. Just look at me."

Liam sobbed again, but turned around anyway.

Zayn was sitting on the coffee table and crying too.

"Zayn." Liam breathed out, sobbing.

"Liam, I-I missed you so goddamn much." Zayn's lip wobbled and Liam was confused.

Zayn left him, why was he crying?

"Yeah, well, you're the one who left." Liam snapped, wiping at his eyes.

He was done being a baby.

"I did...But it was a mistake."

"Oh, sure. You just mistakenly told me to fuck off and mistakenly packed all your shit." Liam sneered.

"No, I thought I was doing the right thing...but I was wrong. Life without you...makes me hurt myself." Zayn bit his lip, and pulled up the sleeve of his jumper.

Liam gasped at the dark, overlapping lines of cuts lining his arms.

"No, no, no, no, no." Liam muttered, head in his hands. "This isn't real. This can't be real!"

"It's real!" Zayn yelled and he grabbed Liam's arms, tugging them off his face. "Look at me and tell me I'm not real...That is, if you can."

Liam lifted his head, lip wobbling again, and he looked into Zayn's gold eyes, and he couldn't. He couldn't squeeze the words, _"You're not real."_ out of his mouth.

"Zayn? You're really here, aren't you?"

"Yes, Liam. And I'm here to stay." And Zayn kissed Liam right on the lips.

Liam could've cried because had he missed Zayn's kisses so fucking much and because Zayn was real, all flesh and blood and bone.

"I still love you, you know." Zayn smiled.

"And I love you in return." Liam squeezed his arms around Zayn, burying his face in his chest.

 

Later that night, Liam called Harry and told him he wouldn't be home until later the next morning.

"Z?" Liam asked, as they sat on the couch.

"Yeah, Liam?" Zayn was sleepy.

"Can I show you something?"

"Anything."

Liam sat forward and flipped his arm over to reveal the little cuts exactly like Zayn's.

"I will bet you three hundred dollars that they're exactly the same." Liam grinned sadly, because Zayn had done this, but it was good, in a way. At least Liam knew he was meant for Zayn.

Zayn tugged up his sleeve really high, to the top of his arm, and sighed.

"They are. What does that mean? That we're like telepathically connected when I'm cutting?!"

"No...Taylor--the waittress at the cafe--she says that soul-mates can feel each other's pain when they're apart...and I know that's crazy even for me, but it's the only thing that makes sense." Liam bit his lip.

He was crazy, he knew that. But if Zayn called him crazy, he'd end his life right there. Because Zayn's opinion mattered the most to Liam.

"That's crazy, if it's true." Zayn mused, grinning at Liam. "But it is the only thing that makes sense, you're right. Therefore, it's true."

"I love you." Liam muttered, burying his face in Zayn's chest.

God, he even smelled the same. Damn him.

"And I love you in return." Zayn murmured, kissing Liam's head.

And yeah, maybe Liam was crazy and maybe Zayn was crazier for staying with him, but in the end, love trumps all, doesn't it?

**Author's Note:**

> leave me some comments? and kudos? maybe? i'll love you forever. xx


End file.
